For the past year, my world had been full of uncertainties and anxiety about what my future will look like. Whether or not I will ever be back to “normal” – pre-Cushing’s disease. Those of you that have been following my journey know that I had two failed surgeries and lived through experiences that I never thought would happen to me. There were times where I felt so defeated that I was just glad to have done almost everything that I wanted to do in this life and just call it a day. It has taken time and patience to pull myself together and try to make the best of it all because I know how things could always be worse and that I am fortunate enough that it is not. Last year, in between dealing with my health issues and recovery, I worked on my portfolio for art school. I applied to my “dream art school” – one of the top art universities in Canada and got my acceptance letter just before everyone is advised to stay home due to a pandemic that no one in our generation or the one before us have experienced.
My consult for bilateral adrenalectomy with the endocrine surgeon is scheduled next week but they have just announced that all surgeries that are non-urgent are suspended in preparation for what is to come. I had plan to have surgery this summer so that I can go to school in the fall which doesn’t look like it will happen now. I am still grieving over this. For me, given so much that have happened this past year, was another unexpected disappointment – a series of unfortunate events. It seems that the universe would give me a little bit of hope and then take it away shortly after.
“You know what kind of plan never fails? No plan. No plan at all. You know why? Because life cannot be planned.” – Kim Ki-taek, the movie Parasite.
While it is hard to accept that many plans fail. It is much harder to think that I may not be given the opportunity to come up with a plan if I am dead.
Close to 500 people died in Italy today, it was very much the same in Wuhan in China just a few weeks ago. There were unbelievable videos posted showing crematories simply could not keep up with the amount of dead bodies. Some people will choose to shield themselves from such terrible news/facts and that is rightfully their choice. And some people will choose to be completely ignorant and continue about their lives with minor inconveniences for now. One thing is for sure though, the whole world will suffer economically for years to come which is inevitable unless you are the top 1%. I learned a great deal this past year about so many things that it would take a long while to write about. But for now, despite not being able to go to my dream school and not moving forward with curing my disease I keep telling myself:
Buona salute e la vera ricchezza
“Good health is true wealth”
and another Italian proverb: “The person who enjoys good health is rich, even if he doesn’t know it”
Because I am grateful to have another day tomorrow when I wake up with a roof over my head and food in the fridge. Thanks to my incredible mother – even though her own small food business is barely sustainable and going to be out of business soon (despite my resistive plead) she continues to hull food over to my house to drop off at my doorstep so that I don’t have to go to the grocery store. My sympathies for all those lives lost due to this virus and the many more that will come in the days ahead. There is another Italian proverb: “As long as there’s life, there is hope”. Let’s take care of each other and do everything that we can to save lives.
Having a set surgery date helped me eliminate one uncertainty out of many that created lots of anxiety. The surgery date was set for a week after coming home from my trip to Helsinki and Stockholm in May.
When I found out about the confirmed diagnosis and planned surgery, I thought of cancelling the trip out of the irrational fear that I may keel over and die due to exhaustion in beautiful Stockholm next to the pier on a sunny spring day…. I mean, I have been living and travelling with this tumor for the last 5 years without dying, I know it is completely irrational to think that this trip would be any different. My friend asked if I had ever regretted taking a trip. I said no and she was right.
I was still working in February and I tried to distract myself from worrying excessively over many things that I cannot control by controlling things that I can such as planning my trip. Despite my efforts, I could not resist looking up articles on Transsphenoidal Surgery and recovery statistics. The more you know, the more you worry and I didn’t want to worry but I also couldn’t help it. Finally knowing what was wrong with me and having a plan to treat it was truly a blessing that I was grateful for. I did not expect the emotional stress creeping up on me to the point where I could not function at work anymore… I actually thought I could still work until my surgery date in June by taking a few days off here and there but the Universe had an other plan.
I went to my family doctor to have disability forms filled out in anticipation of being off work for more than 2 weeks after my surgery. My supervisor pulled me aside at work one day to tell me that she got a phone call from the manager whom got a phone call from the ability advisor notifying her that I am on medical leave. This literally came right after I had a meeting with my supervisor that morning planning the transfer of my clients and my leave of absence after June…. See what happens when I tried to plan? The date my family doctor filled out stating that I am unable to work was the date I saw her for a follow up appointment. So I should have been at home resting to prepare for surgery and not working. After some discussion, it was decided that I would finish the day and not return to work tomorrow. I felt like I was being fired and had to pack up my office by 4 pm. I was surprised and conflicted about it all while my friend at work was like “That’s awesome! You get to sleep in tomorrow, and the next day…and the day after…”.
Darwin loved that I was home keeping him company, giving him massages and taking him for walks. I talked to my mom on the phone often while I paint and putter around the house. After about a week of this, I quickly grew tired of being alone during the day with no humans around to tell me their problems. This led me to look for studio space for creating art. I came across Burnt Toast Studio and rented a space there to paint. I had always wanted to have an art studio space…not because I don’t have enough space at home…well maybe I don’t. My stuff occupies two small bedrooms, downstairs living room, basement and as Josh puts it my “creativity spills over” the dinning table as well. Two months before my surgery, I developed a routine of driving up to the art studio at least a couple times a week during the day to paint – hoping that there would be other artists to chat with and make art. However, it was not what I had envisioned. The place was mostly empty when I am there during the day because people have day jobs…. I did make use of the space (I listened to hours and hours of podcast) and created a 48” x 48” painting that needed a van for transport.
#art #painting #memoir #amediting #yayoikusama #amwriting #story #personalblog