Million hours of podcasts

Having a set surgery date helped me eliminate one uncertainty out of many that created lots of anxiety.  The surgery date was set for a week after coming home from my trip to Helsinki and Stockholm in May. 

When I found out about the confirmed diagnosis and planned surgery, I thought of cancelling the trip out of the irrational fear that I may keel over and die due to exhaustion in beautiful Stockholm next to the pier on a sunny spring day…. I mean, I have been living and travelling with this tumor for the last 5 years without dying, I know it is completely irrational to think that this trip would be any different.  My friend asked if I had ever regretted taking a trip.   I said no and she was right.

I was still working in February and I tried to distract myself from worrying excessively over many things that I cannot control by controlling things that I can such as planning my trip. Despite my efforts, I could not resist looking up articles on Transsphenoidal Surgery and recovery statistics. The more you know, the more you worry and I didn’t want to worry but I also couldn’t help it. Finally knowing what was wrong with me and having a plan to treat it was truly a blessing that I was grateful for. I did not expect the emotional stress creeping up on me to the point where I could not function at work anymore… I actually thought I could still work until my surgery date in June by taking a few days off here and there but the Universe had an other plan.

I went to my family doctor to have disability forms filled out in anticipation of being off work for more than 2 weeks after my surgery. My supervisor pulled me aside at work one day to tell me that she got a phone call from the manager whom got a phone call from the ability advisor notifying her that I am on medical leave. This literally came right after I had a meeting with my supervisor that morning planning the transfer of my clients and my leave of absence after June…. See what happens when I tried to plan? The date my family doctor filled out stating that I am unable to work was the date I saw her for a follow up appointment. So I should have been at home resting to prepare for surgery and not working. After some discussion, it was decided that I would finish the day and not return to work tomorrow. I felt like I was being fired and had to pack up my office by 4 pm. I was surprised and conflicted about it all while my friend at work was like “That’s awesome! You get to sleep in tomorrow, and the next day…and the day after…”.

Darwin loved that I was home keeping him company, giving him massages and taking him for walks.  I talked to my mom on the phone often while I paint and putter around the house.  After about a week of this, I quickly grew tired of being alone during the day with no humans around to tell me their problems.  This led me to look for studio space for creating art.  I came across Burnt Toast Studio and rented a space there to paint.  I had always wanted to have an art studio space…not because I don’t have enough space at home…well maybe I don’t.  My stuff occupies two small bedrooms, downstairs living room, basement and as Josh puts it my “creativity spills over” the dinning table as well.  Two months before my surgery, I developed a routine of driving up to the art studio at least a couple times a week during the day to paint – hoping that there would be other artists to chat with and make art.  However, it was not what I had envisioned.  The place was mostly empty when I am there during the day because people have day jobs….  I did make use of the space (I listened to hours and hours of podcast) and created a 48” x 48” painting that needed a van for transport.

#art #painting #memoir #amediting #yayoikusama #amwriting #story #personalblog

Traveller with a Free Spirit

Unbeknownst to me, when your tumor gives you an insane amount of steroids for so long, you can really do anything. During my fertility trials, I grew increasingly anxious and impatient with the idea of wasting my time pursuing something that I am only half hopeful about. I honestly think that the “secret to life” and reaching “enlightenment” is the simple realization of how valuable Time is. Time is the only thing in life that you cannot have more of no matter how hard you try.

“Spend your money on the things money can buy. Spend your time on the things money can’t buy.” – Haruki Murakami.

I had been working on the same unit for almost 6 years (which is the longest job I have ever been at) I grew restless and even though I was good at my job and enjoyed it, I needed to do something different. I wanted to travel, I wanted to get a new job, I wanted to experience new things. I was tired of doing the same thing everyday even though it was not terrible nor was I miserable. I thought about going to school again for my Masters in nursing or something completely different like Interior Design (which I did complete a certificate for decorating and then realized that I don’t want to be dealing with annoying people in that industry). There was a thirst for new knowledge.

So I went and got a new job in the community. I reluctantly said good bye to a wonderful group of nurses that have taught me so much over the years…and the wonderful friendships that I was blessed with (which I am grateful for today because these friendships continued on) Around the same time, I was looking at the world scratch map that Josh bought me trying to decide where I should go for my first solo travel trip. I read articles and blog posts about solo female travellers and we talked about where I would want to go and how to safely travel on my own. In August of 2016, I decided on Amsterdam and Copenhagen. I had never been to Europe before…the thought of travelling to Europe by myself for the first time was a little scary but also exciting.

Traveling on my own was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Some people may think that I am selfish to go gallivanting around the world while my husband stay home and eat popcorn and peanut butter sandwiches for dinner. Some people may think that my marriage is in trouble or else why would I go on vacation without the love of my life? I believe that there is a certain degree of selfishness that is healthy for all relationships. After all, you have to be just selfish enough to feel secure about yourself and love yourself before you can love somebody else. The decision to travel on my own meant taking the first step in putting myself first before anyone else. As one travel blogger noted – “It can be scary traveling alone, especially when you’ve never done it before. But, to me, growing old without experiencing everything you want from life is even scarier.”

You have to own your own mistakes and learn to trust your intuition when you travel solo. Like waiting on the wrong platform for the train or buying the wrong ticket. There is no one next to you when you react to a negative situation and try to find somebody to blame. You kind of have to learn how to be kind to yourself instead of angry when you make mistakes because you are all that you have in that moment. These are valuable lessons that can’t be taught in school and I think it did save my life when I made the decision to go back to the same emergency department where I had my last terrible experience at.

  “As I get older, it feels like the years pass by more quickly.  I was wondering why that is.  Then I realized that it might be the same as the experience of traveling some place you’ve never been before.  On the way there, the road seems to go on forever.  But on the way back, you’re home before you know it” – Unknown.  

#memoir #stories #amediting #nonfiction #travel #amwriting #personalblog #authorlife #travelblog #indieauthors